Can we change fundamentals of our personalities?
Why I decided to embrace my inner “ambivert”
I am in a group of six racing to find a path through a maze in a team-building exercise. I suggest we each memorise part of the directions. But a young guy, who I will call Bill, shouts me down. He is convinced he can remember the whole route alone and wants to give orders rather than listen to anybody else. I shut down in irritation.
Bill had been talking over others since the week-long training began. We are learning how to facilitate workshops. The trainer seems to revel in designing exercises that provoke conflict to make the point that different personality types have different learning styles. Somebody like Bigmouth Bill enjoys large groups where he can find an audience for his brilliant insights. However, another participant I’ll call Thoughtful Thorsten stays silent in plenary sessions and only speaks up when we are working in pairs, preferably without Bill.
It is striking how quickly the group of 12 strangers gravitates to one or the other of these extremes. By the lunch break of the first day of training, Bill and the next most outspoken participant are already sharing cigarette breaks and have made plans to eat together with others in a noisy Vietnamese restaurant. Meanwhile, those like Thorsten, who have had found the group dynamics taxing, eat alone or with one or two others.
Still annoyed, I need to clear my head. I take a stroll, but, by accident, I end up walking into the restaurant where Bill and his new friends are eating, so I join the big group. I enjoy the company (and the noodles). Where do I fit in? Am I an extrovert like Bill, but not quite as loud, or does my need for a walk suggest I am an introvert like Thorsten?
Will I finally write that book in 2024?
I have been thinking back to this experience as I make New Year’s Resolutions: in 2024 I want to work more in a team; I want to host more parties in my new apartment; I want to start a dance class; I want to eat less sugar; I want to write a book.
How likely am I to succeed?
Research by Katy Milkman, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, shows that “fresh starts” really work, especially if we build in reminders to help us form new habits and if we make a public pledge to change. Hopefully the fact I have told all 180 of my dear subscribers about these plans will make me more likely to follow through. However, while I like pushing out of my comfort zone, it will be tough to change if my resolutions challenge my core personality traits.
A personality test I took about 20 years ago during a management training course marked me down as an extrovert. I was comfortable with that label back then: I was running teams of Reuters journalists, I had a busy social life and felt like I was a pretty outgoing person.
So I was surprised when a different kind of personality test I took last year showed I am closer than I thought to the introverted side of the scale. Was the previous test wrong? Can we change our personality? Could the shift have anything to do with the isolation of the pandemic, or living in Germany, or motherhood?
Pandemic personality shift
These kinds of tests usually show that about one third of us are extroverts, one third are introverts and a third are somewhere in between, or “ambiverts”.
Ask yourself: what do you need to recharge after a busy day – time with others or time alone? (In case you’re unsure where you fall on the spectrum, here is a test )
I score roughly in the middle. Perhaps unsurprising given my genes and upbringing: my father is an introvert and my mother is an extrovert, and my sisters are one of each. A straw poll at Christmas revealed that my extended family is evenly divided: the noise level noticeably increases when the extrovert half of the family turns up.
Psychologists say that important personality traits remain pretty stable throughout our lives, although change is possible in young adulthood or after stressful events. Research shows a decline in extroversion after marriage, for example. And one U.S. study found a rise in introversion, particularly among younger adults, during the COVID pandemic.
After years of staying in to look after kids and working from home since COVID, I am less sociable than I used to be. I also feel like I have been influenced by living in Germany for the last decade. Surveys show that Germany is a more introverted place than my home country Britain: while a Brit will invite a new acquaintance over for a cuppa within minutes of meeting, it can take months for the same to happen in Germany. That feeling is compounded by a slight social awkwardness when I speak German: even though I am fluent, I still don’t feel like I can be my true self in another language.
The cult of extroversion
Susan Cain, author of Quiet – The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – argues that the West, particularly the United States, venerates extroversion to such an extent that introverts feel like they must mask who they really are and act more outgoing and sociable than they are comfortable with. That is not only draining for the introverts, but also means that their unique talents and contribution are often overlooked or undervalued in education, workplaces, and relationships.
However, there has been a shift in recent years: the rise of the billionaire tech nerds of Silicon Valley has accompanied a broader acceptance of neurodiversity. Successful people have outed themselves as closet introverts including Elon Musk, Lady Gaga, Barack Obama and even Steven Spielberg (who says he is still terrified of the premieres of his movies even after all his success.)
The pandemic (and the amount of time we spend online) has also made life more comfortable for introverts. This helps explain the ongoing conundrum organisations face about working from home: extroverts (usually including the managers) want everyone back in the office. Introverts want to stay at home and the ambiverts (and/or those with caring responsibilities) are happiest with a mix.
How to harness introverts
Managers, teachers and facilitators need to do a lot more to get the best out of introverts. Too many of them rely on big group brainstorming or planning meetings and wonder why a significant portion of participants never pipe up. Harnessing introverts can mean working in smaller groups or encouraging them to offer their thoughts in writing.
When I took the personality test 20 years ago, I was probably influenced by the idea that leadership and extroversion go hand in hand. I long equated self-assurance and confidence with extroversion, and confused shyness with introversion (but they are not the same thing, as Emma Jacobs discusses in this lovely article in the FT). Of course, how extroversion manifests itself is also a question of how it intersects with other traits, such as neuroticism and sensitivity: so, it is possible to be a highly sensitive extrovert, or an emotionally resilient introvert.
Ambivalence about being an ambivert
I am writing this sitting alone in a cosy Berlin café surrounded by chatty groups (drinking Rooibos tea and raspberry/mascarpone cake, blowing my “no sugar” resolution after just a few days). I chose a quiet corner so I can concentrate but it still feels good to be surrounded by people.
I want to embrace my inner ambivert: it is OK to take time with a book or up a mountain to recharge, but working home alone has also made me see how much I miss being in a team. And having a foot in both worlds helps me tune into the needs of both types: hopefully the creative networking events I am hosting in Berlin and online in the coming days will suit both introverts and extroverts (sign up here for the in person event on Jan. 11 and here for the online version on Jan. 16).
With all this in mind, I will have to work hard to be more outgoing if my dance class resolution is going to fly, but I will have to tune into my introvert side if I am going to write that book in 2024. Please share any resolutions you are making in the comments. Perhaps a public pledge will help you stick with them too.
What I am reading:
Quiet - Susan Cain - I bought this for my introverted sister and then sneakily read it myself. Great insights for introverts, extroverts and ambiverts alike:
“The way we characterise our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives… Those who live the most fully realised lives - giving back to their families, societies and ultimately themselves - tend to find meaning in their obstacles… where we stumble is where our treasure lies.”
All Souls - Javier Marias - A tale of a Spanish academic having an affair while teaching at Oxford University for two years. It feels a bit dated but it is a compelling outsider’s perspective of the seedy side of life at college High Table.
Leo the African - Amin Maalouf - I have had this imagined memoir of a Muslim diplomat born in Grenada around 1494 on my shelf for years and finally got the impetus to read it due to my time in a Moorish village in Andalucia and trip to Beirut. A vivid depiction of the expulsion of Muslims from southern Spain and battles for control across the Mediterranean in the early 1500s.
